Where?

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about what to do with my life.  Where is the right fit and am i doing anything of significance that will matter.  I realize that every person that has ever came into existence, whether they know it or not, wants to have some type of purpose.  That is why people search for cheap thrills with different substances or people.  That’s why we have all at some point had a God subsitute.

The more i think about what i want to do with my life the more i have to consider what my life has been surrounded by.  I told a friend today that i feel like this has been the week of forgiveness.  I’m not usually the first person to say sorry.  I’m not usually the first person to admit when i’m wrong.  It’s pride and self centeredness that i’ve decided to incorporate into my daily routine.  It’s not wanting to admit that i don’t know the only way to do things.  The hardest I’m sorry’s are for those that i never meant to hurt.

Take Joe.  That’s not his real name but he was someone who was in leadership over me over five years ago.  I haven’t really let all the situations involving that go i just know that for about 4 1/2 years i’ve held this slight bitterness and unforgiveness in my heart that i hate.  I hate it.  It really is only hurting my life and my relationships.  It’s made me bitter about the ministry i did even though i knew that that was the very place i was supposed to be.  So tonight I’ll attempt to find the words i’m sorry.  Maybe explain where i’m coming from.  Maybe even explain to him that  I know he was doing the right thing.  Sometimes the right thing is offensive to those who are not being obedient.

This is my journey to bring the Kingdom to this Earth daily.  This is my path.  I’m sorry…

Bringing the Kingdom always requires humbleness.

His Kingdom come….His Will be done.

I’ve been thinking a lot about the upcoming birthday. Mostly because people say 25 is such a big age. Some say I’ll be in a new age bracket, everyone and their brother have told me I’ll get a discount on car insurance, and others have just told me it’s no big deal. I am going with the no big deal approach but I can’t help but wonder what would make year 25 different from the previous 24 years.

Some of the best advice I’ve received thus far came shortly after the new year. They commented on how they never start their new year’s resolution until their birthday that falls shortly after Christmas. I began to consider this and realized I was putting a lot of pressure on my self to come up with something fast. So I decided to wait till the 21st of this month to decide. Well I’ve decided now. While I was driving down 77 North headed home from Starbucks I decided what I wanted this year to look like. I want to bring the His Kingdom to the Earth. I want to live in such a way that would draw men to Him. I guess this sounds pretty basic considering this is what we all are supposed to be doing on a daily basis but I see the urgency of it.

Sometimes the hardest lessons are those I have to learn from my kids. Sharing in the disappointments of four year olds sometimes is frustrating but they teach me more about forgiveness. When they help, they help. Let’s be honest they don’t always do the best job but they always do their best. They will do anything for anyone. They will love anyone. There is one child in particular in my class who is different for many reasons, and they love him. He mumbles, he is deformed in some ways, sometimes he’s not the cleanest kid in the world but they love him. This tells me that we as humans are implicitly called to this kind of living. This is one way I intend on bring His Kingdom to Earth. I want to live in such a way that I am always forgiving, always loving, seeing no variation of worth based on outside appearance. I do this in little ways now but I want to live a lifestyle that would point to a higher power guiding my decisions to do it.

I also intend to change my attitude. Do the things coming out of my mouth glorify God? Am I telling people the good parts of my day? Am I living in fear of rejection, intimidation, and doubt? Is the cry of my heart to glorify God. Sometimes I’m not. I’m human I get that but I think just by actually putting myself out there and making a decision to do this I’m making steps in the right direction.

I’m sure there will be more to add to this and as I figure out what this looks like I’m going to try to post it.

the voice of the familar…

There are many things i’m not sure about.  I’m not sure why my toes crinkle at the beat of music when it would be much easier to just tap my foot.  Or why i just sometimes dance when no one is watching without abandon.  I scare myself…often.

Tonight i was supposed to be doing a resume, which i found a recent one on my computer that just needs to be edited, but i didn’t do this.  I found myself wandering through these memories in my head about the Philippines.  The ones that weren’t the prettiest.  I tried my best to be honest about them but couldn’t find the words to speak about them to anyone.  A friend asked me recently if my trip to the Philippines was that bad and i said no.  it really wasn’t.

Honestly, it’s probably the best thing that happened for my life.  I don’t even know how to put this into words because i’ve never even seen it written down.  So for today i’ll just let it linger for a minute.  Even when i think about Jacquim in the middle of this I don’t see how that all happened the way that it did.  We all came out of it relatively unscathed. I don’t even know why i’m typing about it.  Sometimes i feel it’s like the elephant in the room.  The thing that everything applies to but no one knows about.  That is my fault really.  I left it as an elephant because i thought maybe people wouldn’t believe me. That they would want hard facts all of which i don’t have.  Jacquim was not the only part of the trip.  He’s not the end.  To be honest I don’t really have a memory of how we met.  I don’t have a memory of all the emotions when it ended.  Alls i have is a recollection of how it took place and one argument we had.

I don’t understand why those closest to me don’t get to see the elephant.  It’s like there is this brick wall that i have built up.  My most recent recollection is when a friendship that i had fell apart.  I realized that this person, that i had allowed in my life, didn’t know anything real about me.  I wasn’t real so they couldn’t know.  So i’ve laid all these theoretical bricks so that when someone attempts to break them down i just put up more plaster so no one can see the holes. I’ve failed in this way.  It’s a sad thing to not know your best friend.

I feel like my life is in shambles in this way.  I was created for all this great stuff but yet I never go after it.  I have made myself an island in a lot of ways.

I know my God is bigger than this.  I know he’s bigger than my biggest fears.

I need Him to big tonight.  I need Him to find me tonight. Here or there.

The breeze blows gently in the fall…

There is a certain affection in my heart for this place I’m at.  I feel like I am seeing things for the first time how I should be.  How I always should have.

What is the true cost of obedience and where will it take you?

I’ve aligned my life goals with others in such a way when things have ended, I have wanted God to just come on the scene to fix my broken heart.  I think God does that in many ways, but when you live in disobedience I think sometimes God coming on the scene is painful but only because of my pride.  I think one of the problems is that for so long I have believed lies and looked at myself and others through the wrong eyes.

Right now it would be easy to be angry at the situation that’s at the forefront of my mind.  I think a broken heart lends itself to anger.  The question i thought of today on the way to work was am i so angry and upset because of my disobedience or because someone hurt me.  Jesus talked about anger and even displayed a bit of it in his dealings with the temple but he tells the people, possibly the disciples, “in your anger do not sin.”  What does this perfect anger look like?  I think it looks an awful lot like love.  I think it looks like forgiveness.  I think in that forgiveness it involves forgiving yourself and searching out others to restore you to the community.  I’ve been caught over the past few weeks saying, “i never want to get this close to another human again,” or even, “relationships lead to hurt.”  I think both of those outside of Christ are very true and i think they are real emotions.  I also think that this relationship/friendship showed me a lot of who i am behind who I show others.  It showed me how I get comfortable, jealous, selfish, and all of these sinful things.  It showed me how I really don’t operate in the fruits of the Spirit.  It showed me what i have to work on, even in my friendships.

There was a conversation that was probably one of the most important of my life that happened in the lawn of my apartment complex a few mondays ago.  The details of it can remain a mystery to most but alls i can say for it is that I got a good glance in the mirror about how much hurt i had caused another person that I cared for deeply.  Love and care don’t hurt.  They protect, they provide, they trust.  I didn’t exemplify any of those.  I didn’t do a very good job of showing who I was since Christ touched my life.

The sad thing is that I can’t change any of that.  The thing I can do is exemplify the fruits of the Spirit, trust, love, and try to bring restoration to that situation and to the ones that might exist in the future. There will always be regret. The regret won’t be about the unpleasant, unexpected ending but rather it will be that I wasn’t participating actively in restoration.  I didn’t trust.  I didn’t love even though i’m sure that some of the time i did.

I guess my prayer for today is that i can bury the old and go on with the new.  Even if it takes me clear across the country one day soon.  May I never treat another person the way that i treated that one person.  May I forgive myself. May I live in that redemption everyday.

May the leaves fall to the ground and new ones bloom in the Spring with restoration.

Sweet Intoxication…

I can hear the rustling of wrappers in the room down the hall. I can hear my music sweetly singing about how God is this all consuming sweet thing… How he stabalizes us. How he sometime is our whisky.

I felt like my experience last night at 707 is worth the writing…

It might’ve been the moment that someone spoke out about how we are no longer in slavery to our sin. We are free. God has adopted us and not made us slaves.  He has adopted us and not made us slaves.  We are no longer slaves.

I could explain the gravity of those words. I could explain where my heart comes from on this it’s just a moment of surrender i guess.  I don’t have to deal with all of this alone.  I don’t have to remain fatherless.

I guess that’s the heart of the matter right now.  I just feel so fatherless.  I keep having this reoccuring dream that the wedding of my dreams is about to happen but i have no one to walk me down the aisle.  I guess it’s a girls dream to have a dad that wants that, but it would be a dad’s dream too right?  Not mine.  That’s a seperate issue.  This is about me and not about him.

I need to buck up.  If God really has adopted us like His word tells us…then I need to accept responsibility.  I need my life to reflect that of someone who is so grateful not to be left wandering.  i need to stop blaming my dad for inadequecies and start just looking in the mirror and fixing what I can.  Doing what i can.  And i’m trying not to be super spiritual here but i think satan has had control of this situation for so long.  Do I have hate in my heart?  Maybe. But that’s where surrender comes in.  We were not meant to carry it alone.  Jesus. We were not meant to face tomorrow with fear. Hope in Jesus.

Maybe God will one day heal the man that created me.  But i am convinced that it was God who curled the very hair on my head with his own fingers…and that’s love.

Trust

This is not the first time that i have found myself here. It’s a lonely place to be because it’s this self preservation location that only let’s things and people close enough that you can touch them but they can never reach you.  I stopped trusting.  I don’t know where it started to happen again and i understand that there are seasons to everyones lives but my season right now is this.  This is not where i want to be.

It’s like everything is changing and i barely have enough grip to hang on to my life.  Money is flying out of my hands left and right, I find out that my loans were inproperly requested and no one said anything.  I get bitter sometimes, angry even.  I forget to trust.

I lost my car in  Columbus a couple weeks back.  Do you know how long it took me to remember to pray for that lost car.  I never did remember.  My friend reminded me.  Where has my default gone.  If God really truly created the world, which i believe he did, then surely he knows where a 2007 Saturn Ion with a mini antena over the drivers side door is.  Prayer. Trust. Love. Default.

I need to kick myself until i return.  I knew my heart was fleeting but not like this. 

Change is needed.

I want…

I decided last night at 1 a.m. that I am going to try to find a place to belong. I feel comfortable here. In Ohio. I don’t know what has kept me here so long. I’m scared to leave. Scared to leave things unfinished. Scared to leave my mom alone right now.

I need to find a job that makes me come alive. It’s not here. Or atleast i haven’t found it.

So maybe another state? Maybe another way?  The call has been put forth a long time ago. My ears just have been tuned to my own heart’s cry.

Throwing Punches at a Creator

I have been diverting my attention back to some Lewis in my spare time right now. He seems to speak to hurt and pain like nothing else. As a friend said the other night, “sometimes pain is like ripping the bandaid off and you just have to do it.” My fears all become a reality.  It’s like I am no longer hiding out waiting for someone else to do it but yet i’m doing it myself.

There are probably a million things I should have done this week but yet i find myself in this spot with my Lewis.  Yes I own him.

“And it appears, from all the records, that though He has often rebuked us and condemned us, He has never regarded us with contempt.  he has paid us the intolerable compliment of loving us, in the deepest, most tragic, most inexorable sense.” Lewis, Problem of Pain, 33.

I think this is the reason why when these continual struggles are over I will stare back and realize that God loved me throughout it. That the only reason I really didn’t lose track of Him is because He made himself positively clear.  He is the one who has been the guiding light throughout the dark times.

So I guess for the time being i’ll keep my punches (verbal and fakely physical) to myself.

If you haven’t read the problem of pain i suggest you pick it up.

the greater thing ever.

I am on my way to the park. To sort my thoughts. To ponder patience. To ponder how i let myself get here. I don’t feel wrong. I’ve been told i’m not. It’s just not right.

I guess this goes back to everything that’s been said at 707 lately. Sin is not always about right and wrong. My mind fails me at the moment about what it is. Maybe it’s this.

The thing is i’ve opened my mouth right now to pretend that i know best. to pretend i can be frustrated.

I’ve felt like calling and asking for reconsideration. I’ve felt like telling my heart to reconsider truth. It doesn’t matter how honest you are or how much you invest if it’s not absolutely right it’s not right.

I guess i’m just trying to find my footing. To find my friends around. And they are. To remind my heart that the truth hurts but it’s home. truth is home.

i could call my therapist. ask for an appointment but i have broad shoulders that were meant to pray this through.

so i will. pray my decisions through. act like i have a voice and use it. i want to speak life. i want to speak truth. i want to not be deceptive. I bought a cd today that feels like home right now. i’m going to be fine. just everyone needs to understand that. This is the greatest thing.

The greater thing is what God wants. and i’m upon it. this is it.

Praise God.

when i go down…

the truth is i need to stop finding myself here…

It’s not from lack of prayer or lack of faith, it’s from this pesky little thorn.  I can fight this but before I can i need to make some decisions. I don’t hate living in Ohio, i just hate the tests i’m having to endure of trusting God. Trusting God that i can survive with little to no money. Trusting God that i am doing the right thing.

I miss family. I keep hearing about people being with their family and it makes me sad. I wish i still had that option. I wish i could still have a family in that way. My dad…well i don’t even speak to him anymore. My mom…she is busy living the life of a single older woman. My brother…that’s never been a good relationship so i’m done trying. I’m done trying to forgive him and i’m just going to settle it and move on.

I want a family. I guess the family of God (however cheesy that sounds) is what I have for now. I can’t sort through everything right now. I don’t think it’s another therapy appointment i need right now. I don’t feel like the truth even comes out when i do go to therapy. I feel like i’ve said too many things already. I don’t want to open up another can of worms. I don’t want to talk about this.

I want the feeling that i had earlier this week to return to me. the one of such joy, the ability to feel invincible, and the love.  It’s terrifying. It’s the scariest thing i’ve ever starred at in the face but something keeps me looking. My eyes can’t let go. Maybe this is the time?  What does God say…”it’s ok Kristen, what you’re doing.” “kristen this is going to happen in my way and in my time.”  So i guess i can hold on to the fact he is speaking but it’s trusting him. I’ve been down this road before with someone. Mind you I am aware that my disobedience was what screwed me over. I just don’t want to have to endure something so painful ever again.

Something feels so distinctly like home. Something feels so distinctly like trust. Something feels so good but when i get my hands involved it turns into crap.  I need to stop making a god out of myself and start trusting God. Jason Upton talks about in one of his songs that the greatest way to worship God is with our trust. Trust his intentions. Trust his silence. Trust. Trust. Trust.

If I am trusting why am I so worried? Why am i so depressed about this? Why do I follow all my statements with an apology or a correction. I need to let my words be my words and my heart speak.  I need to let God use me again. In this and in that.

Maybe it’s when I step away from the medicine…that big step. When i trust that God can stabilize me. When i can trust myself.

I hope that day comes soon. I hope I believe it can. I know I lied about this. I’m sorry. I lie to myself about it too.